I was thinking about something last night when Jermain was speaking. Well, I was kinda thinkin about it before service, but it just kinda confirmed something. It was about how things have gone in my life and the lives of my friends. I have several convictions that I seem not to be able to fulfill right now. I just feel like I'm spent and have no more energy in me. But I have not given up. I hope to get there someday, and I will continue to strive for what I know God has called me to do. I think it has something to do with where my commitments lie.

I feel like I have been doing everything for myself, and I honestly have. I read my Bible to satisfy my own need to feel like I'm doing good. I make friendships to satisfy my need to receive attention. Me, me, me, me. It's always about me! I acknowledge that this is not the way it should be. My life was forfeit a long time ago. As Christians, we must realize that we no longer have any "rights" whatsoever. The only one who is deserving of anything is God. Therefore, challenge myself to look at everything through that light. If I do, then I will be truely grateful for whatever blessing I receive from God.

And to all of my friends. I remember the commitments and convictions that you shared with me not but a year's time ago. Yet now, so many of you have turned against them. Did your convictions change, or did you change because it was too hard. God convicts the heart according to how He choses. To go against His conviction is a sin. I challenge you: search yourself. Is there a conviction that you used to have that you no longer abide by? If so, maybe you should pick it back up and continue for the cause of Christ. After all, we do not live for ourselves, but for Christ.

Merry Christmas

Wow, it's been a really long time since I've updated. I've just been so busy with life in general, that I almost haven't had time to breathe. But tonight's the exception. I only had one class to do homework for, so I got it over with. And here I am, staring at a computer screen.

So, to explain what's all happened, ever since I got back from Fall Break, I hadn't been quite puting the effort into my classes as I need to. Some of it had to do with emotional distraction, while other parts had to do with me just being lazy and putting off homework. Bad idea for a biology major in college. It doesn't work very well. But all in all, I've learned my lesson and am working hard to remedy my laziness. By God's grace, I may come out of this alive yet. But here are some things that I have learned: (1) space your homework evenly between days, or you'll end up having to pull an all nighter (2) if you do your homework first thing and play later, you won't end up looking at an undone load of homework at midnight (3) if your homework is done, you get to sleep (4) sleep is a very good thing (5) cafeteria food gets old after a while; go out to eat about once a week (6) be careful with J-Alvin showers; they can blast your skin off with the dirt if your not careful (7) R.O.U.S.'s are really hard to take pictures of.

So in everything, God is teaching me to put my heart into whatever I do. I have to get used to the idea of putting homework and schoolwork above everything, but it'll help me in the long run. Especially with my grades. Dental schools don't like B's and B-'s. A's are better. Also, God is working on me in the spiritual aspect. I can't really explain it right now, because I don't know exactly what He's doin. I just know He's doin something. I just pray that He will draw me into Him all of my days and I will never fall away. I also pray that He will keep all my friends, both here and at home close to Him, and that they won't forget to put Him first in everything.

I have resolved to use this site simply as a journal for my personal thoughts. I find that sometimes I just need to write things out so that I can iron out my thoughts. As for anyone that chooses to read my journal, I welcome them. I have nothing to hide. It is one of my goals in life to be as transparent as possible, so that others will not feel alienated by my presence, but welcomed. I wish to love others, and part of that is letting them see truth for what it is.

I feel guilty right now. Part of it is because of some of the movies that I have watched recently. I watched the majority of the "Punisher" the other day. I regret it ever so much.I watched it because of all of the advice that I had received from other students. It is now clear that they do not hold the same standards as I do. I won't discriminate against them because of it, but I hold to what God wants for me, not what men want. I guess that's what you get when you take the advice of flawed men over better judgement. I read the label. It said "R" for violence and brief partial nudity. I thought that I would see the nudity part coming and could avoid it. I was wrong. God forgive me. I will not allow for the possibility of such a chance again. Not only did the movie contain a brief moment of pornographic material, but the central theme now repulses me. The entire movie was about an eye for an eye. Never before have I seen so much hate and violence. Even if men deserve punishment for there sins, it is not the place of other men to give them this punishment. Nonetheless, I continued to watch it far to long. I waited until almost the end and then shut it off out of disgust. I guess the real reason that I had so much trouble with it was God's gracious conviction. I am called to love others, no matter how undeserving, for I was ever so undeserving of Jesus's grace and mercy on the cross.

Another movie I watched was "V for Vendetta." The movie was a little gory, but mostly enjoyable, except for one thing. They clearly portray homosexuality to be completely right, and any opposition as bigoted and dangerous. I am highly offended by those who call men of God's cause traitorous. I know that the point that they were trying to get across was that you can't force viewpoints upon people, but when is it alright to look upon what has been twisted as good. They ask me to respect others views; they should respect mine. But I was able to get one thing out of this. I ask God here and now to show me how to love those in homosexuality in a way that will portray His message to them, and allow Him to change them. They are His children as well. But the fact still stands. I need to be more careful with my movie selections.

Lord, forgive me for my sins. I know that I have done wrong and need to change. I lift my life to You. Use this moment to do what You want with me. I want to grow closer to You, and in doing so, love others more. And one thing you have made apparent to me is this: I should not watch rated "R" movies, unless I get approval from a trusted source.

What now?

So college has been alright for the past couple of weeks. It's been a little hectic because it's still close to the beginning of the semester. There are alot of meetings to go to and other stuff, but things should slow down soon. JBU is really cool. You very rarely need to go off-campus to do anything. There is alot of stuff to do right here. Besides, Siloam Springs doesn't have alot to do anyway. So I've pretty much stayed mostly here the whole time, but it's all good.

Ok, I've got a problem. My laptop crashed. I'm trying to work to revive it, but it's not looking good. Please pray that God sends someone who knows what they're doin. I really don't want to have to completely reset the entire laptop. I have alot of pictures and stuff that I wanna keep.